Hi friends –
March snuck up on me. I usually draft this monthly letter around the 25th of the month but I honestly had just lost track of the date. Ever since I left Corporate America, I never know the day of the week (well, except Friday, Saturday and Sunday) and I never know the actual date. It’s a blessing, honestly. I used to plan my life around the calendar — endless meetings, counting down until the next day off and planning the year in advance to plan vacation and time to visit family. Now I absolutely love my work and I never wake up dreading the day or counting down the days until my next day off. Granted, I don’t really ever get days off unless I’m very intentional, but it’s very, very worth it.
Anyway, let’s get into this month’s letter!
February was filled with lots of family planning stuff. I started a lot of fertility medications in February for the mock cycle I explained last month. The injections were uncomfortable but honestly I have found the side effects of estrogen and trental much more unpleasant.
We talk a lot about baby #2 as if it’s already a done deal, but I have to remind myself that anything can happen — including things that we don’t want to happen. It’s a fine line between being realistic and having faith, and that’s honestly something I’ve struggled with for my entire life. I think that’s just how I’m wired.
On a lighter note, Tommy and I are both loving the warmer weather and the longer days. And we ARE counting down the days until the Daylight Savings switch. We both love being outside and both of our biggest hobbies (running for me, golf for him) involve being outside. And with Thomas, it’s just honestly so much easier to parent when it’s warm and light outside beyond 5:30.
This past weekend we met up with our best friends at Reynolda Village and watching our toddlers run around together made my heart SO full. We’ve been friends with the Raaks for years and seeing our kids run towards each other in excitement was honestly just the best. Now that it’s warmer out, I’m hoping we can do more with friends!
I’d like to go in April, but we already have two weekends with plans. (I GET TO GO TO THE MASTERS THIS YEAR!!!!!) So, then I was looking at early May and then I thought, well maybe I’ll just wait for Memorial Day, when my family does a big get together. But this line of thinking (“I’ll just wait until…”) is how it’s now been two years since I have been home.
Who knows, maybe I’ll just get brave and book a flight in March and go. After I left Wells Fargo and before I had Thomas, I went home every couple of months, which was awesome after a decade of only seeing my family a few times a year. Now it just feels SO HARD to travel with Thomas, since it’s such a long day of flying from North carolina to Utah, but I know I just need to get used to it since we’re not leaving NC and my family isn’t leaving Utah. Plenty of people travel with toddlers and I have the means and flexibility to do it, so I just need to do it. Someone give me a pep talk to fly home in March, k?
Gosh, this is still just such a hard topic for me to write about. I’m still doing The Bible Recap and love it, for various reasons. I have it on my to-do’s to write a blog post about why I’m doing it rather than daily devotionals and why I think my religious upbringing (LDS) impacts how much I like The Bible Recap.
One thing I’ve noticed about myself is when I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed, I tend to retreat. I don’t text friends as much. I don’t make as many plans. And now it seems, I also retreat from those I do share faith with. February was so hectic with work and fertility stuff and I found myself sharing less about my faith online and also not sharing as much with my Community Group and also sometimes not even wanting to go to our weekly meet-ups.
I think perhaps I’m so used to figuring things out myself that it’s hard for me to share with others when I am struggling. If someone I love is going through a hard time, I am grateful they tell me so I can pray for them and don’t mind asking others to pray for them. But if I am the one who needs prayers? I tend to keep it private. I think what comes to my mind is, “Well it could be so much worse. And I have so much to be grateful for…” And those things are absolutely true. I have friends coping with the loss of loved ones, people I love dealing with debilitating diseases and so many people I don’t know struggle with simply having enough food to eat or feeling safe at home.
But I wouldn’t tell a friend to hole up and hide her struggles — no matter how small they feel by comparison — so I’m not sure why my tendency is to prefer pushing through and acting like I’m okay when sometimes I’m just not. I think I always want to see the good in every situation and be grateful for my blessings (because they are truly so many) that I don’t often give myself permission to struggle.
We had a full evening of prayer (you can watch this video about our group’s Bold Prayer nights) and one of the women asked if she could pray for me about our fertility struggles. She prayed, and then another women came and sat behind us and prayed for me. Then, another, and another. By the end, I was sobbing into their arms. I was literally surrounded by women who care about me and are praying for me and I don’t think it’s a coinidence that the experience happened just a few hours after I’d written that it’s hard for me to share my struggles. The Lord put these women in my life and I could not be more grateful.
And, of course, I was embarrassed the next day that I let myself cry like that over “nothing.” So I guess I’ve still got some work to do on the vulnerability front.
Work has honestly felt so hard for me. I’m still dealing with nausea and fatigue from the medication, which makes it hard to focus at work and especially makes it hard to film videos and be “on” for Instagram. I have so many things I WANT to do with my blog, Instagram, my Beautycounter team and “influencer” coaching of some sort (I’m getting asked a lot lately how I’ve monetized my business online). And right now, I’m just doing my best to stay on top of the basics. I also just want to spend lots of time with Thomas right now (he’s at such a fun age and this time is so fleeting) so I end up hanging out a lot with him and my nanny.
I did get my YouTube channel launched, thanks to my nanny who also works for my business (primarily editing YouTube videos and managing my Rookie Runner Instagram account). So that’s progress on two things I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I need to celebrate the little wins more often! And my new website is almost ready to launch, which has been a year in the making. And that is definitely a BIG WIN. I can’t wait for y’all to see it… it’s beautiful and so much more user friendly.
I have to remind myself that my business is NOT falling apart and I’m not missing deadlines, so everything is fine (thanks, in HUGE part, to my team…Hannah, Mom, Bree and Elle – THANK YOU), but it’s hard to not be making progress towards my work goals as quickly as I’d like.
My running has been a LOT better since I started going to a new pelvic floor PT who is also doing dry needling. I’m also trying to strength train 2 days a week, which has been nice variety. I’m staying on top of all my fertility medication and I’m getting enough sleep most nights. The hardest health challenge lately has been food aversions. It like I’m having pregnancy symptoms without actually being pregnant. I can hardly stomach anything except smoothies and bread.
I have another fertility appointment on Wednesday to recheck some things that weren’t where we need them last week so I’m hopeful we have a clear direction forward after that.
Alright, I’ll wrap it up since I have a work call to hop on in 10 minutes. As always, thank you so much for following along and being so supportive.